sociologist Allison Daminger on her new book WHAT'S ON HER MIND?, how her research prepared her for early parenthood, and why pregnancy and early motherhood have been a creatively rich time
I loved reading about the steps involved in the mental load — it illuminated so much of what I tackle as a parent of two kids (9 & 5). And I’m also a writer, and am always eager to hear how moms wrangle the creative life. It took me much longer than Allison to realize that toggling between parenting and writing is a recipe for stress …
I spent a lot of time journaling about my hesitancy around calling myself a Creator when I was pregnant. After my daughter was born, it felt more natural than motherhood sometimes. Not easier to manage but easier to identify with after making, birthing, and sustaining a human. Looking forward to this book!
Nancy, I understand your need to not welcome me to your post. Any other opinion to your words or another's is not welcomed. And I understand that. However, you keep this kind of unrealistic academic all to yourself and your readers. That's where it belongs, which works for me.
There's room for lots of different perspectives and experiences of parenting in this space and elsewhere. But sharing our stories requires kindness and humility--acknowledging that the choices we've made for our own families are not in fact the only ones for every family. I'm feeling protective of Allison as a new mom who's sharing her story here and I've been thinking about how much it would have hurt me as a new mom to have a total stranger attack my parenting choices unprompted. I can't imagine you talk to the people in your own life with this level of vitriol, and I truly don't know why you chose to enter this space in the way you did.
You seem to have misunderstood what Allison's book is. She's a sociologist, and this research project involved interviewing lots and lots of people from lots of walks of life about their lives as parents. It's literally rooted in people's descriptions of their lives--I can't imagine a more realistic way to learn about parenting. It's not a prescriptive book at all; it's not telling anyone what to do.
A lot of my work as a writer since I became a mother more than 10 years ago has been sharing my own story and making space for others to share their experiences. That only works if we're genuinely interested in other people and willing to listen with curiosity to experiences and choices different than ours.
Just a note to the "Creators" on this post: You didn't create by yourselves. You had a husband, man, partner and God to do this. The baby is created in your womb by the meeting of you and your husband, egg and sperm. The partner has a tremendous role in this ladies.
This essay by Allison Daminger is nothing but academic claptrap. The first indication is when she wrote that she has full time childcare. She should've stopped there. Motherhood very rarely involves having full time child care with the first child, unless the mother is tied to academia, tenure and teaching first. I'll admit that is hard. But to call it something else than Motherhood, I'm offended. Being creative is one thing, being a Mom is quite another. They both can be creative but in different ways.
I didn't like the word used "paralyzed with decision" about Motherhood and overthinking it to the dimensions that she considered writing a book about it when her child is only five months old. She has a long way to go in the Motherhood sphere before she can talk to the difficulties of it. There is no academic book on how to be a Mother and how to facilitate care for the baby. To try to force feed academic jargon upon the reader is to assume the reader is stupid and/or uneducated or may be a mother who's not gone through the rigors of being the caregiver, or isn't a female. If she had to research childcare on how to be "intentional" about the "transition" to parenthood rather than feel it in her body and soul, chances are that she shouldn't be a parent.
Daminger makes it sound like it's a "thing" not a life choice, one that can be relegated to the bookshelf of life. You're a parent and a caregiver for life. Live it! Don't cut it up into segments like a thesis. Get off your academic high horse and embrace Motherhood before your daughter loves the Nanny better than you. The author sounds more like a young academic who is not informed about the most natural happening in a woman's life.
I've been a mother and caregiver for over sixty years without full time childcare to five children, one miscarriage and one who passed away.
Until you've lived real life, not this make-believe idea of parenthood based on academic nonsense, you really don't know anything about it at all.
By the way, I managed to get my Master's Degree in English, graduating summa cum laude and with Honors in my fifties and taught writing in various colleges, after raising my children. The good stuff can come later which enriches the experience.
Please try not to pretend you've found answers to the the Motherhood load by writing a book you know nothing about and break it up into boring, long, unrealistic segments. Parenting is part of the job you "intentionally" chose but have with full time childcare. I would not classify this book as a beach read. I'd rather read fiction. So much of it is based on the writer's experience and is far more engaging.
wow, what a remarkably ungenerous response to Allison's work, which is rigorous and nuanced and deeply compassionate. you don't have to like the choices other mothers make, but this kind of judgment is most definitely not welcome here! good luck!
I loved reading about the steps involved in the mental load — it illuminated so much of what I tackle as a parent of two kids (9 & 5). And I’m also a writer, and am always eager to hear how moms wrangle the creative life. It took me much longer than Allison to realize that toggling between parenting and writing is a recipe for stress …
I spent a lot of time journaling about my hesitancy around calling myself a Creator when I was pregnant. After my daughter was born, it felt more natural than motherhood sometimes. Not easier to manage but easier to identify with after making, birthing, and sustaining a human. Looking forward to this book!
I love this framing! We are, very literally, creators!
Biggest parenting win this year was getting my kids across the swimming threshold of “I can actually just read a book at the pool”!
Adam, you're the winner! Just sent you a message--if you share a mailing address, I'll get it in the mail to you tomorrow.
Amazing, thanks!!
Yes! That is a huge one! 😎
What a great choice for a profile subject! I am really excited to read this.
It's a good book! And I feel like your work and hers is really in conversation.
Nancy, I understand your need to not welcome me to your post. Any other opinion to your words or another's is not welcomed. And I understand that. However, you keep this kind of unrealistic academic all to yourself and your readers. That's where it belongs, which works for me.
There's room for lots of different perspectives and experiences of parenting in this space and elsewhere. But sharing our stories requires kindness and humility--acknowledging that the choices we've made for our own families are not in fact the only ones for every family. I'm feeling protective of Allison as a new mom who's sharing her story here and I've been thinking about how much it would have hurt me as a new mom to have a total stranger attack my parenting choices unprompted. I can't imagine you talk to the people in your own life with this level of vitriol, and I truly don't know why you chose to enter this space in the way you did.
You seem to have misunderstood what Allison's book is. She's a sociologist, and this research project involved interviewing lots and lots of people from lots of walks of life about their lives as parents. It's literally rooted in people's descriptions of their lives--I can't imagine a more realistic way to learn about parenting. It's not a prescriptive book at all; it's not telling anyone what to do.
A lot of my work as a writer since I became a mother more than 10 years ago has been sharing my own story and making space for others to share their experiences. That only works if we're genuinely interested in other people and willing to listen with curiosity to experiences and choices different than ours.
Just a note to the "Creators" on this post: You didn't create by yourselves. You had a husband, man, partner and God to do this. The baby is created in your womb by the meeting of you and your husband, egg and sperm. The partner has a tremendous role in this ladies.
This essay by Allison Daminger is nothing but academic claptrap. The first indication is when she wrote that she has full time childcare. She should've stopped there. Motherhood very rarely involves having full time child care with the first child, unless the mother is tied to academia, tenure and teaching first. I'll admit that is hard. But to call it something else than Motherhood, I'm offended. Being creative is one thing, being a Mom is quite another. They both can be creative but in different ways.
I didn't like the word used "paralyzed with decision" about Motherhood and overthinking it to the dimensions that she considered writing a book about it when her child is only five months old. She has a long way to go in the Motherhood sphere before she can talk to the difficulties of it. There is no academic book on how to be a Mother and how to facilitate care for the baby. To try to force feed academic jargon upon the reader is to assume the reader is stupid and/or uneducated or may be a mother who's not gone through the rigors of being the caregiver, or isn't a female. If she had to research childcare on how to be "intentional" about the "transition" to parenthood rather than feel it in her body and soul, chances are that she shouldn't be a parent.
Daminger makes it sound like it's a "thing" not a life choice, one that can be relegated to the bookshelf of life. You're a parent and a caregiver for life. Live it! Don't cut it up into segments like a thesis. Get off your academic high horse and embrace Motherhood before your daughter loves the Nanny better than you. The author sounds more like a young academic who is not informed about the most natural happening in a woman's life.
I've been a mother and caregiver for over sixty years without full time childcare to five children, one miscarriage and one who passed away.
Until you've lived real life, not this make-believe idea of parenthood based on academic nonsense, you really don't know anything about it at all.
By the way, I managed to get my Master's Degree in English, graduating summa cum laude and with Honors in my fifties and taught writing in various colleges, after raising my children. The good stuff can come later which enriches the experience.
Please try not to pretend you've found answers to the the Motherhood load by writing a book you know nothing about and break it up into boring, long, unrealistic segments. Parenting is part of the job you "intentionally" chose but have with full time childcare. I would not classify this book as a beach read. I'd rather read fiction. So much of it is based on the writer's experience and is far more engaging.
Joan. Her experiences do not negate yours. Your experiences do not negate hers. There is room for all of us. Be well.
wow, what a remarkably ungenerous response to Allison's work, which is rigorous and nuanced and deeply compassionate. you don't have to like the choices other mothers make, but this kind of judgment is most definitely not welcome here! good luck!