"my own self-care is vital to my creativity"
a good creatures interview with YA novelist and psychologist Jodie Beneviste about self-care and caring for others as a path into creativity
Hello there! This is a good creatures interview, an ongoing series that explores the intersection of caregiving and creative practice. I’m so excited to showcase people doing lots of kinds of caregiving—people caring for kids or pets or other family members and/or caring for space through gardening or community work or activism—and lots of kinds of creative work.
If you know (or are!) a good creature whose work we should feature, send me an email—you can just reply to this newsletter.
And a fun programming note before today’s interview: I’m leading a free one-hour workshop on zoom with Blue Stoop this afternoon from 4-5pm eastern, and I’d love for you to join us, if you happen to be free. It’s called “Writing What You Don’t Know,” and it’s about methods for creative research and ways to write into gaps in your memories and knowledge. You can read more and get the zoom link here. (And if you’re not familiar with Blue Stoop, they’re a Philly-area literary nonprofit, and they do great programming—in-person events, as well as classes on zoom. You can sign up for their newsletter to stay in the loop.)
Today’s good creatures interview is with Jodie Beneviste, who’s had a really fascinating path from a psychology practice and writing self-help and parenting guides to now writing young adult novels that have, as she puts it, “healing at their heart.” (She has books coming out in 2024 and 2025!) She also writes the (free!) newsletter Hey, You, about “healing and storytelling for anyone curious about the stories we tell ourselves.”
Below, we talk about why becoming a parent meant she had to become a better person and how caring for herself is at the heart of her creative practice.
Who do you care for?
I care for my two children, my 20 year old daughter and 18 year old son, my husband (and he cares for me) and our two cats.
What kind of creative work do you do?
I write young adult contemporary romance fiction with healing at their heart. I use my background as a psychologist to explore different mental health issues from a healing perspective, underpinned by a strong narrative about family issues, finding yourself and falling in love.
I also host a Substack called Hey, You that’s about healing and storytelling from a writer/psychologist for anyone curious about the stories we tell ourselves.
What’s changed in your creative life since becoming a caregiver?
So much! When I first became a parent, twenty years ago, I found it overwhelmingly difficult but weirdly, I also experienced bursts of creativity amongst the day-to-dayness of childrearing. I was in a part-time academic research role but I also got the creative spark to write a book for new parents. I decided on a page-a-day type format where readers could dip in for emotional support and reassurance. It meant that I could write short snippets during stolen moments in my week so the format suited the audience, time and energy poor parents, but also my creative capacity at the time.
Once I had two kids in school, which was a major milestone, I had more capacity to explore ideas more deeply. I love taking complex ideas and translating them into understandable frameworks with practical strategies. I wrote a book helping parents to create a family culture and parenting approach based on their values and personal context, and I also developed and delivered online and in person parenting programs on various topics.
Now, as my kids approach the end of their schooling (my daughter is already in university and my son finishes his senior year very soon!), I’ve found more bandwidth to be more wildly creative and get lost in the creative process. I also recently had a significant birthday and felt this longing to come back to my first love, fiction writing. I’ve now written two young adult contemporary romances with a third one in the gestation phase. With my novel writing, I can deepen into the creative process and be worlds away from my current reality. I love that!
My creative progress feels intimately aligned with the ages and stages of my children. I’ve always been creative but I had to fit my creative desires in and around my children. OMG there were so many times during their younger years that I resisted that reality, raging that it wasn’t fair, wishing it was otherwise, and resenting my husband for not having to deal with the same career constraints. They were difficult times.
What are some ways care-giving fosters creativity and vice versa?
There are two major learnings here. The first is that through becoming a parent and raising my children, I’ve had to become a better person. The arrival of my children sparked a 20-year, and counting, commitment to personal growth. It began with me realising that I had a harsh and brash inner critic who criticised me, my husband, my children, my situation, essentially everyone and everything! Nothing was good enough! Before having kids, I never knew it existed. It just sounded like me. I didn’t want to be that critical person or parent so I had to transform.
That led me to my second major learning. My own self-care is vital to my creativity. By self-care I don’t mean bubble baths and massages. I mean that I need to constantly nurture and care for my inner world, all those parts of me that bring gifts but also challenges. Before I learnt Internal Family Systems, an evidence based psychological approach I used in my psychology private practice, I couldn’t understand why I felt certain ways at certain times, and I didn’t have a robust way to heal and transform. IFS now informs eveything that I do. It’s in my novels, it underpins my Substack writing and it shapes my creative practice.
IFS says that creativity is one of our inherent qualities that’s at the heart of who we are. The reason we can’t access our creativity or feel creative is because we have other parts that are taking up too much space in our inner world. Parts that stress or worry or doubt or get anxious or get distracted or get despondent can crowd out our creativity. I’ve learnt how to work with my parts in a compassionate way so I hear their concerns but they also give me space to create. Essentially, I can’t create without caregiving.
What does a day in your life look like as a creative and care-giver?
My kids are pretty self-sufficient right now but I still like to bookend my days with family, chatting in the kitchen at breakfast time and having dinner together as a family. I work from home so that also allows for incidental conversations. My kids are technically adults but they still need me for advice, support, logistics and everyday connection. At every age and stage, we expected them to help out more around the house so now they are great cooks, do their own laundry and also do a fair amount of their own life admin. That frees me up for more creative time!
On a typical weekday, I’ll head down to my office after breakfast and begin with an inner check-in. I’ll notice how I’m feeling energetically and see which parts of me need my attention. I’ll ask them what they need me to know, what they need from me and if they can give me space to create. Sometimes I spend the whole morning caring for my parts, exploring any doubts or fears that have emerged, any reactivity that needs my attention and any insights that need to be acknowledged.
Then I’ll normally spend the rest of the day on a creative project whether it’s my fiction writing or writing for my Substack. Sometimes, like now, I also have a paid project that I weave into my day. I prioritise exercise at the gym four mornings a week and a weekly slow and meditative walk around the national park near our home. I’ve also learnt to pause more often throughout my day, rather than barrelling from one task to the next. I take more time to connect within and notice what I’ve got energy for next. My days feel more easeful when I respond rather than plan too much.
What I’ve realised is that caring for my parts is intimately linked to my creativity. Writing and putting that writing out into the world provokes many of my parts. Whenever I get a rejection on a submission or feel like I don’t know what to write or feel helpless or hopeless, that’s a part that needs my loving compassion. And whenever I help my parts, I grow my creative capacity. Really caring for myself began with caring for my children. My creativity would not be what it is today if it weren’t for all of that caregiving.
What tips do you have for writing, revising, or generally getting unstuck?
My fiction writing, in particular, has taught me to listen more and think less. My previous non-fiction writing felt like an intellectual challenge – wrangle the big idea into a fresh framework. But fiction writing feels like dipping into the creative well of wisdom within by connecting with something beyond myself. It’s feels like an act of receivership.
So whenever I write or revise, I try to sit in the creative unknown and see what emerges. It’s a process of being okay in the unknown until the creativity flows. If I’m feeling stuck, I know it’s a part of me that’s getting in the way. It might be worrying or doubting or distracting me but ultimately, it’s trying to help. That’s when I connect with that part, listen to what it needs me to know, invite it into a field of unlimited potential, and then we create!
Jodie Benveniste is a writer, published author, psychologist, TEDx speaker and wellbeing specialist with over 25 years experience. She’s the author of four non-fiction books, two up and coming young adult fiction books and many, many articles, essays and features across corporate, consumer and academic settings. She’s been a psychologist in private practice, a parenting expert, an organisational consultant, an academic researcher and Chair of the Board of an independent school. Jodie has also delivered hundreds of keynotes, courses, workshops, webinars and media interviews both in person and online. She sits in the intersection between psychology and creativity and her mission is to place healing at the heart of storytelling so we can all live an intentional, reflective, creative life. Jodie lives in Adelaide, Australia with her husband, two kids, two cats, and with views to the hills.
You can read more about Jodie’s work at her website, and if you’re as excited about her approach to self-care and creativity as I am, you can sign up for her newsletter, Hey, You.
Write More, Be Less Careful is a newsletter about why writing is hard & how to do it anyway. You can find my books here and read other recent writing here. If you’d like occasional dog photos, glimpses of my walks around town, and writing process snapshots, find me on instagram.
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We don’t often get to reflect on these topics and I love how Nancy has opened up the space to do just that. Thank you!
I loved learning about Jodie! Interested in learning more about IFS. As a mom of 3 children, I agree caregiving can be a deep source for inspiration and learning in our creative journey.