"If not now, when? This is your time."
a good creatures interview with novelist and Living in 3D creator Amy Brown about early morning writing, caring for an aging parent, and how divorce made space for her creative work
Hello there! This is a good creatures interview, an ongoing series that explores the intersection of caregiving and creative practice. I’m so excited to showcase people doing lots of kinds of caregiving—people caring for kids or pets or other family members and/or caring for space through gardening or community work or activism—and lots of kinds of creative work.
If you know (or are!) a good creature whose work we should feature, send me an email—you can just reply to this newsletter.
Today’s good creatures interview is with Amy Brown, who reached out to me to share her story of fighting to make her creative work a priority after a lifetime of caring for others. Ending a long marriage opened up the space to finally finish the novel she’d been working on—but her mother’s declining health meant taking on a new form of caregiving, requiring that Amy become her mother’s live-in caregiver. Finally, she said, the responsibilities were just too much, and she felt like she “might drown under the weight of the caregiving.” Her mother now lives in a memory care facility, and Amy visits her daily while also maintaining a full schedule of morning pages, novel writing, and paid work as a business writer and journalist.
Amy’s newsletter Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny shares her story and offers community and resources to anyone in the midst of big transitions.
Below, we talk about how Amy turned herself into an early riser to ensure she’d make space for her writing and using voice memos to capture ideas on the go. The title of this post comes from something Amy says is her mantra now at 63, but I think it’s a valuable reminder for all of us, whatever stage of life we’re in: If not now, when? This is your time.
Who do you care for?
I care for my 87-year-old mother with advanced dementia. For almost a year I was her solo, live-in, full-time caregiver until September 2023 when I made the wrenching decision to find a good memory care facility for her. I was at the breaking point and my creativity and so much else was suffering, not least the close relationship with her that I valued and wanted to cherish without being worn down. She is now comfortable, safe and well cared for and I have returned to simply being her daughter, enjoying our nearly daily visits and outings without having to juggle the multiple roles of nurse, cook, housekeeper, activity director and more.
From afar, as they both live in Europe, I care for my two young adult daughters who are just a What’s app text, or Zoom call away. Now that they are 29 and 31, they care for me and each other as well as I care for them. That’s all I ever wanted in raising these two remarkable young women.
What kind of creative work do you?
I am a novelist with three completed unpublished manuscripts and several published short stories in anthologies. I will soon be seeking representation for my third novel, a work of contemporary fiction, which I’d describe as upmarket or book club fiction about a woman who has spent her life rescuing everyone but herself (so much life experience to draw upon in creating this character!)
I also publish the Substack newsletter, Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny, about a midlife woman who careens from gray divorce after 33 years of marriage to full-time caregiving for a parent with dementia, all the while fiercely holding onto her destiny. This is not where the story ends. Writing the twice-weekly newsletter is the healing creative practice I didn’t know I needed. Based on the hundreds of subscribers I’ve attracted since launching the newsletter in early October 2023, it seems to offer healing to others as well, which is my goal. I share not only my own experience but also practical resources, tips and advice from experts, especially for caregivers of loved ones with dementia.
What does a day in your life look like as a creative and care-giver?
I rise before dawn, because the early morning is my most creative time. Waking at 4.30 or 5 a.m., I first journal morning pages as a long-time follower of Julia Cameron’s work but I alternate with writing prompts from other creative writing teachers that inspire me. After 15-20 minutes of yoga practice and a short guided meditation, I have a non-negotiable minimum one hour to work on my current novel, but if my schedule allows, I try to extend that to two hours.
I then turn to the work that pays the bills as a business writer and journalist and after lunch, visit my mother at the memory care facility, sometimes taking her out for ice cream, a favorite outing for her. I try to be as present in these moments with her as I can, knowing as the disease progresses that our time together is fleeting and precious. We look at photographs together, sometimes of her childhood, other times of my daughters and we have regular zoom video calls with my brother in upstate New York or my daughters. I love seeing the smile bloom on my mother’s face when she sees her loved ones, even on a screen. I am also fortunate in that I share the caregiving with my sister and her husband who live nearby and who visit with Mom several times a week.
I always make time for a walk on the beach, being blessed to live in Venice on Florida’s Gulf Coast. The combination of waves, sun and walking help spur my creativity and I record ideas for my newsletter or my novel as audio memos on my phone.
How do you balance creative practice with care-giving?
For most of my life I’ve struggled to balance my creative practice with caregiving, as a wife for 33 years and as a mother, and then later, caring for my mother. Part of the reason I initiated a divorce this past September was due to chronic, long-term imbalances in my relationship with my ex-husband where my creative practice was always last on my list/our list when it came to making our lives work, as I was the primary breadwinner.
The balance I hoped for after my divorce and moving out was challenged again once Mom moved in with me. In the 10 months she lived with me, I was grateful I had an early morning writing practice before she awoke. Still, it took an effort to turn from the caregiving to my creative work because her needs always pulled at me and it was easy to feel split in my roles. Balance is easier now that she no longer lives with me but I still have to work at protecting my writing time in the morning when clients demand meetings and deadlines pile up. I have a mantra, now, at age 63, If not now, when? This is your time.
What’s an adjustment you’ve had to make to your creative process, and an adjustment you refuse to make?
I’ve had to adjust to being a very early morning person in the past three years, from someone who typically stayed up until midnight and who could work on business assignments into the wee hours. Now going to bed at nine o’clock in the evening and waking by five o’clock is an adjustment to my internal clock I value and protect. It is only rarely I make an exception to my early-to-bed and early-to-rise practice because when I start my day too late, my creative writing hours often disappear in the rush of catching up.
Is there something specific you do to jumpstart creativity?
I find reading poetry a sure-fire way to get my creative juices flowing. I have started reading more poetry in the last few years. Not only do poets inspire me to be acutely aware of language and the way a few words or a phrase can paint a whole world, but poems also often touch the deepest part of me and inspire some of my best writing, whether journaling for myself or probing the development of a character or capturing the sensory details of a scene. Some of my favorite poets are here on Substack,
and , but I also read Mary Oliver, John O’Donohue, Marie Howe, Derek Walcott and others.What advice would you give someone who has a creative practice and is embarking on becoming a caregiver?
Hold onto your creative practice for dear life. Becoming a caregiver, whether as a first-time parent or tending to someone who is ill or aging or in some vulnerable state, can easily sap all your energy, physical and emotional. I have learned the hard way that giving up on one’s creative practice to care for others is a path to sadness and resentment and a restless soul. Carve out the time you need to be your creative self, knowing that in caring for yourself you will be a much better caregiver for others.
A native New Yorker, I have lived in three countries (the U.S, Sweden and Malta) and now reside in Venice, Florida because life on the Mediterranean in Malta spoiled me forever after too many cold Swedish winters. Founder of Amy Brown Communications, I started my career as a newspaper journalist in Rhode Island, later becoming a business writer and ghostwriter specializing in sustainability (environment and social equity issues) while continuing to report for Reuters. But my heart remains tied to fiction writing. I have had short stories published in small anthologies and I am working on a novel that I hope to complete early in 2024. Read more here. My latest endeavor is my newsletter, Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny about late-in-life transitions, balancing caregiving while dreaming of a new chapter for oneself.
Write More, Be Less Careful is a newsletter about why writing is hard & how to do it anyway. You can find my books here and read other recent writing here.
If Write More has helped you in your creative life, I’d love it if you would share it with a friend.
As a daughter of a mother with dementia, I’ve found Amy’s newsletter to be so helpful. I loved learning more info about her life and creative practice ❤️
Thank you Amy for your wisdom, candor and helpful tips on how to continue maintaining creativity while caretaking. As a Storyteller and live-in caregiver to my 80 year old mother, your words deeply resonate. Thank you Nancy for excellent questions!